God does enjoy a bit of looting and pillaging to be sure, but he also seems quite partial to endorsing a little raping, especially when the victims are from tribes that have not sung his praises enough: because we all know that God has the mightiest chip on any shoulder, ever.
- To begin with, let’s look at a couple of common-sense guidelines God offers his faithful:
Firstly, if you’re planning on attacking a town, you’ll want to make sure you offer the townsmen and women terms of peace (fair enough). If they accept, they will all become your slaves (ummm…). If they don’t, you should kill every man in town, then keep all the women, children and livestock for yourself as plunder. VERY IMPORTANT! Make sure you “enjoy” your spoils! Wonder who did the livestock… (Deuteronomy 20:10-14) - If you happen to have been feeling like a bit but there are no willing women in sight, you may have to consider withdrawing a little faster because rape is gonna cost you: 50 pieces of silver to be precise! You will also have to marry her because she’s basically worthless once defiled, nor will you be allowed to divorce her. What she thinks about being tied to her rapist for life is anyone’s guess. God certainly doesn’t seem to give a flying $%&k. (Deuteronomy 22:28-29 NLT)
But God also likes men of good character who do his work in faith, like Moses, a real bucket of sunshine. Following the slaughter of all the men, the soldiers brought Moses all the women and children and livestock – see above – as plunder. Moses did a Queen Vic on them all and declared in no uncertain terms that he was “not impressed”. These were the very women – and children I assume – who’d caused the whole kafuffle in the first place, bring plague upon them and splitting up tribes…nasty pieces of work indeed. So all the women who’d slept with a man were killed – quite STD conscious back then they were – as were the boys – leaving the young virgins and animals for their enjoyment. Awwww…doesn’t good old Mo just choke you up with his God-given generosity…? (Numbers 31:7-18 NLT)
But let’s not be too negative, there are a couple of good guidelines for potential rape victims:
- If you are going to be raped, make sure you are in the open, that way your rapist – if caught – will be killed and you will not.
- If you are going to be raped in the city, scream very loudly. If no-one hears you, you did not scream loudly enough, and it’s your own bloody fault. If someone finds you in your moment of need, make sure you are not betrothed at the time, because if you are, both you and your assailant will be taken out and stoned (with rocks, not resin) – the rapist for raping, and you for not yelling loudly enough (Deuteronomy 22:23-24 NAB) .Of course if no-one finds you, you’ll probably have to kill yourself at some stage because you’ll be about as useful as udders on a bull.
Thank you for tuning in to another Godcrime. Who says religion bans all pleasure!? It only limits all consenting, normal, natural pleasure…be a sicko, and God shall favour thee…
