Crimes of God

God Loves a Good Visual: Crushing skulls and bathing in blood

Sean MacNiven — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 10:50:22 +0000

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times, God does have a way with words when it comes to really making sure his human wards know what to expect if they cross their loving father. Now, it may be interesting to note that God has enemies. The fact that an omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent God could have enemies is a true testament to his ability to shut of parts of his awareness so that even he can believe it. Nevertheless, music is God’s first love, and so I’d like to share a lovely extract from a Psalm with you all: “But God will smash the heads of his enemies, crushing the skulls of those who love their guilty ways. The Lord says, “I will bring my enemies down from Bashan; I will bring them up from the depths of the sea. You, my people, will wash your feet in their blood, and even your dogs will get their share!” (Psalms 68:21-23 NLT). Well, at least he does think of the dogs too, which should give him quite a few reputation points in the eyes of modern-day animal-rights activists. Funnily enough, the scene is beautifully tempered a few lines later with “25 Singers are in front, musicians behind; between them are young women playing tambourines.” (Psalms 68:25 NLT). Crushed skulls, feasting dogs, bloody pedicures, and women playing tambourines…thanks God…Not even Tim Burton could’ve done better.

The God-father: God, Nineveh and a tale of extortion

Sean MacNiven — Mon, 26 May 2008 22:54:17 +0000

With God, it’s not all murder, blood, guts, and gore (no, not Al), sometimes God simply wants people to do what he says and not exercise all that freewill that was purportedly left floating around as his gift to man. When God says he wants something, he wants to make sure he is not misunderstood, and the best way to do that is to make sure descriptions are phrased so that there’s something in it for everyone. For example, in the tale of Nineveh, God told Jonah (the original Pinocchio) to go into the city and preach to them, and to tell them that he is “Jealous and avenging” and “Avenging and wrathful” and God also “takes vengeance and keeps wrath” (Nahum 1:2). Well, I know that is not a crime in itself, sure, God needs some counseling, but being a wee bit greeny-eyed and having a penchant for a bit of eye-to-tooth justice doesn’t make him a criminal…does it? If you keep it to yourself, well no…But like all things God, why create sentient beings if you’ve got to keep all your inhibitions and planetoid chips to yourself!? No, this week’s Godcrime is a simple matter of employing terrorism, threats and extortion to get your own way. A crime in itself, though for most faithful, simply a God-day’s work.

So…where was I…sure, so he sends blubber-boy into the thick of the fray and says “Jonno, mate, go forth and preach to those sinners down there that I’ve done my share of chemistry, transmutation and firing up of kilns, and that I intend to dry out all their beer, let their weed wither, and block out the barbie weather with the dust of my feet”. So Jonno goes down to the city, and tells them all about God’s plans to rebuke the sea, dry up the beer, the rivers – all of them of course – carry out a bit of general withering, quaking of mountains, some melting of hills, and do a bit of heaving—which without the beer and subsequent hangovers may actually be difficult to explain, but the Lord is pretty Almighty and he maketh even the mostest soberest of crawling things vomiteth.

Happy-ending is of course that God gets his own way so does not carry out his fantasies—this time. Where’s the crime? Well, the people were not actually doing anything patently illegal or damaging, the city was flourishing, people were having a good time and God didn’t like it…they should be praying on their bloody knees and thinking about him 24/7. God threatens, tells them a little bit about his complexes and that he really will do it, and the city-dwellers decide not to eat or drink and wear sacks as a sign of humility and repentance. God wins…not with reason, explanation and fairness, but with plain, old-fashioned bullying. Not a crime to string God up over, but certainly one that would have to be taken seriously in a court of law…except maybe in Italy…

She probably wore jeans: God and rape

Sean MacNiven — Tue, 13 May 2008 21:39:46 +0000

God does enjoy a bit of looting and pillaging to be sure, but he also seems quite partial to endorsing a little raping, especially when the victims are from tribes that have not sung his praises enough: because we all know that God has the mightiest chip on any shoulder, ever.

To begin with, let’s look at a couple of common-sense guidelines God offers his faithful:
Firstly, if you’re planning on attacking a town, you’ll want to make sure you offer the townsmen and women terms of peace (fair enough). If they accept, they will all become your slaves (ummm…). If they don’t, you should kill every man in town, then keep all the women, children and livestock for yourself as plunder. VERY IMPORTANT! Make sure you “enjoy” your spoils! Wonder who did the livestock… (Deuteronomy 20:10-14)
If you happen to have been feeling like a bit but there are no willing women in sight, you may have to consider withdrawing a little faster because rape is gonna cost you: 50 pieces of silver to be precise! You will also have to marry her because she’s basically worthless once defiled, nor will you be allowed to divorce her. What she thinks about being tied to her rapist for life is anyone’s guess. God certainly doesn’t seem to give a flying $%&k. (Deuteronomy 22:28-29 NLT)

But God also likes men of good character who do his work in faith, like Moses, a real bucket of sunshine. Following the slaughter of all the men, the soldiers brought Moses all the women and children and livestock – see above – as plunder. Moses did a Queen Vic on them all and declared in no uncertain terms that he was “not impressed”. These were the very women – and children I assume – who’d caused the whole kafuffle in the first place, bring plague upon them and splitting up tribes…nasty pieces of work indeed. So all the women who’d slept with a man were killed – quite STD conscious back then they were – as were the boys – leaving the young virgins and animals for their enjoyment. Awwww…doesn’t good old Mo just choke you up with his God-given generosity…? (Numbers 31:7-18 NLT)

But let’s not be too negative, there are a couple of good guidelines for potential rape victims:

If you are going to be raped, make sure you are in the open, that way your rapist – if caught – will be killed and you will not.
If you are going to be raped in the city, scream very loudly. If no-one hears you, you did not scream loudly enough, and it’s your own bloody fault. If someone finds you in your moment of need, make sure you are not betrothed at the time, because if you are, both you and your assailant will be taken out and stoned (with rocks, not resin) – the rapist for raping, and you for not yelling loudly enough (Deuteronomy 22:23-24 NAB) .Of course if no-one finds you, you’ll probably have to kill yourself at some stage because you’ll be about as useful as udders on a bull.

Thank you for tuning in to another Godcrime. Who says religion bans all pleasure!? It only limits all consenting, normal, natural pleasure…be a sicko, and God shall favour thee…

I love thee, I love thee not: Cain and Abel

Sean MacNiven — Sun, 04 May 2008 09:10:24 +0000

This is one of my favorite Godcrimes for the simple reason that it is so arbitrary whilst still being quite personal. I mean, God does like to smite entire cities to the ground so that no living thing can creep or fly or crawl again, but this is a real soapy-style crime.

Cain, first-born son of Adam and Eve, born with the help of the Lord following a brief period of “knowing”, becomes a farmer. Abel, second-born, becomes a shepherd.

Cain works hard in the field, tilling, fertilizing, sowing, watering, getting filthy from head to toe and coming home smelling of manure, while Abel spends his days doing some serious, hardcore lying about on mountainsides while his flock eats grass and copulates in the sun.

So you can understand Cain’s dismay when God — upon appraising their sacrifices — decides to favor Abel’s selection of first-born lambs and fat over Cain’s offer of healthy, low-calorie, no-animals-were harmed-in-the-production-of-this-vegetable, Vegan cuisine.

I ask myself of course, why favor at all? Why not say, “Cain, mate, dig the veg, and Abel, I’ll get the barbie on, perfect combo, meat and veg, love it. The world of my efforts is truly good”. But no, God had to go and spoil it all by favoring the children of his children, one above the other, for no reason other than than Cain “wanted” to be praised more than Abel, or so God said later on, and because God prefers sacrifices to die bloody, horrible, deaths.

Anyway, gotta love God’s style. First murder in the history of Man, first registered biblical case of jealously among men, first fratricide, etc. and all because God picks up a daisy and plays “I love thee, I love thee not”.

Love to hear your thoughts on it.

Genesis 4:1-8